Shortcuts, Gimmicks and Cheats

something to get your attention

Last Thanksgiving, I found myself at a party in New York City with people that I would describe as smart and cool. For me that means smart writers who have jobs discussing culture. We’re talking people who do music analysis/book reviews/news podcasts for places like the New York Times, New Yorker, Washington Post, etc. They were nice folks who were, like, up on cool things.

The upshot of this is that I really wanted to impress everyone with how smart and funny *I* was!

But here’s the problem: It’s tough to impress smart people, especially ones you don’t know! Rule one is you can’t look like you’re trying! You have to pick your spots. You dfo a lot of laughing. You lean forward, nod your head, stay interested. When the spotlight of conversation comes your way, you have to be ready with something that will impress. While I was waiting my turn, I listened for what topics were grabbing attention.

I had a lot of competition. We had gossip about celebrities, tales of insane bosses, descriptions of lavish holiday galas, pointed opinions about politicians, funny anecdotes about everyday behavior. But do you know what story got the whole room to listen?

A guy who was scamming Amazon.

See, there was a guy there who was really working at taking advantage of Amazon’s return policy. He and his friends were testing the limits of how much stuff you could order, report missing, and then keep anyway. The room was rapt. How much money are you saving? Do you re-sell anything? Have you been caught? What are the consequences?

What struck me was the amount of money we were talking about being scammed was not huge. Hundreds of dollars, maybe? But the thrill of getting away with something, especially perhaps in a systematic way, hypnotized the room.

I was reminded of a Thanksgiving dinner with my family from about 10 years ago (all these Thanksgiving memories, folded on top of each other in my brain) . My family does not get together often so when we do the conversation can be pretty slow. People try to ask about each other’s lives, except no one really knows what’s going on in each other’s lives.

But do you know what got the whole Thanksgiving table interested? Someone knew a guy who had a machine that let you get free cable channels.

The room woke up. How does it work? It must be illegal! Is it hard to install? How much money do you save? Does it work for pay per view?

Again, the money we’re talking about wasn’t HUGE. A hundred dollars a month, maybe. But the allure of “FREE CABLE” was powerful.

I concluded that people love cheat codes. Hacks that let them cut the line. More than the amount of money you save, it’s the knowledge that you have a secret password into a back room.

Cheat Codes In My Dumb Life

So as I start this newsletter, and I want to hold your attention, I will try to offer a few cheat codes that I know of. Trouble is, my life is dumb, and the things I do are not helpful or interesting. Still, maybe the allure of “free stuff” will translate even for people with no interest in my life at all!

Here a few cheat codes I’ve learned of from my life:

• At Starbucks, if you pay with the app — you get a free refill.

• In long-form improv, if you need to do a “second beat” — set the scene in a hospital operating room. Always works!

• There are two kinds of stories people are always excited to tell you. The story of them falling in love, or the story of them overcoming something. Therefore, if you’re trying to get to know someone you can ask them, point blank, “when is a time you fell in love?” or “What’s the biggest thing you’ve overcome?” You can do it out of nowhere, to almost complete strangers.

• When driving, if you forget which side of the car your gas tank is on, you can look at your dashboard fuel gauge. ALL CARS have an image of a gas tank there, and there’s a triangle on the side of tank corresponding to the side the gas tank is on.

• If you want your stories to be funnier, describe things in terms of animals. “I felt like a hummingbird.”

That’s all I got! Thank you for reading.